Reality has set in again. For about a week or so I have not been able to sleep very well and I am feeling much worse again. I lie in bed waiting for sleep to come. The hours tick by. Slowly. So very, very slowly. I am exhausted but sleep eludes me. I finally drift off at four or five in the morning only to wake again in a couple of hours. So tired, but so unable to sleep.
As I open my eyes reality immediately sets in. The pain hits me like a freight train. My muscles hurt, my joints hurt, my head hurts, my entire body is filled with pain. My muscles are weak and tired. It feels like someone has put 100 pound weights on my legs and arms. I can barely lift my arms to wash my hair. I have to use a shower chair to bathe and I can only muster the strength to do that once or twice a week. After walking only a few feet my legs feel like I have run a marathon and I have to rest. My vision is blurry and my skin breaks out in strange rashes. I can't concentrate to read. I can't think. My mind, once sharp and quick, is now slow and works overtime to find the right words. I can’t remember things that were just said to me. I lose my train of thought in mid sentence. What is this mysterious ailment that has disabled me so? How can something called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome be so disabling? It sounds like such a wimpy illness. Chronic Fatigue. Shouldn’t that mean I am just tired all the time?
I certainly wish that was what it meant. It would be wonderful if I were just tired. If only I could rest and get better. The name certainly belies the illness. All I do is rest. It seems like my world exists between my bed and my couch. Rest does not restore my strength or make me feel any better. And most of the time rest is just an illusion anyway. It is difficult to rest when you are in pain and sleep eludes you for days or weeks at a time.
Today was a particularly bad day. I couldn’t get out of bed. I was too exhausted and in too much pain. I was in bed all day today. I slept off and on until 7pm and then I just laid here and did nothing. How can this be my life? How can this be me? How can I be this sick and the doctors be unable to find any objective evidence of my illness? Why don’t they know more about this? Why can’t they treat it? Why can’t they find the cause of it? I don’t understand. This can’t be me. This can’t be my life. I want my life back.
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About Me
- buterflygirl
- Missouri, United States
- I am a mother of two great kids, a wife with a great husband, a college professor, and a graduate student. I am genuine and real, hard to get to know sometimes, thoughtful and kind, and I can be emotional. I am resilient and a fighter. I am an advocate and I tend to root for the underdog.
2 comments:
I feel the same way.
I was diagnosed in January 2003, and it's been a long road but I'm finally having more better days than bad. I've been able to keep my job thanks to understanding employers, which has kept me attached to the outside world, but other than work I rarely have the energy to do anything else. It definitely alienates you, because you just don't have the energy to do much. Forget about doing anything after a day of work, and if it's a weekend evening event I have to nap in the afternoon to store up some energy. You really have to become good at prioritizing, and getting done the things that need to be done before your energy gives out. I pray that some day I'll be fully recovered!
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